I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
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