he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
