im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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