I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
