Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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