my phone needs a breathalizer
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
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So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
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