My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
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