I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
