Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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