So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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