I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
