I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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