She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
