apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
