birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
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