It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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