$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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