got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
