I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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