i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
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When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
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Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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