I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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