Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
There's always time for handjobs
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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