Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
