but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Everyone says I win the strip club
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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