I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
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Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
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We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
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