I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
