I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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