I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
what the fuck happened to the tacos
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
