I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
