dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
