Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
why does every cop we meet know your name?
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