He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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