They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
