What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
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And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
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So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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