I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
