So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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