After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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