how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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