He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
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When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
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On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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