my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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