when I scratched it gently some sort of watery looking stuff came out...so then I just stopped thinknig about it.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
