He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
