Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I'm getting married
To pizza
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
