Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
