She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
Randomize
