Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
