Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
