Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
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she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
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She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
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