im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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