I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
