I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Randomize
