either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
