Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Is that strawberry winking at me??
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
