I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
