I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Randomize
