He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
